Better get this off before you guys think I have totally fallen off the cliff.
Things have been so busy around here and my brain is so wrapped up in the current chaos that is my life that half the time, I can't think at all. Does that make sense? Jeesh..I have no idea anymore.
The holidays are upon us and I am currently on vacation from work. Go back on January 4th. Spending lots of time with Susan getting Christmas done for our families......umm...oh yeah...I have not talked about Susan, have I? Hmmm..Lets go back about 25 years...
When I was 13 or 14...I thought I was gay and tried to kill myself..I had always had feelings for women, teachers, friends moms, etc. since I was 7 years old. I tried to come out to my sister and my parents and after my suicide attempt, they thought it best that I was put into a psych hospital for 2 months. Hmm.. I never mentioned my attractions to women after that. I proceeded to join the Mormon church and marry a man who used it against me after we divorced, 13 years later. Mind you, I never had a relationship with a woman, just desired one. He used that fantasy and made my life hell. Even worse after the divorce because he told my kids with a twist here and there to make me a evil person. Always desiring and never having the guts or being ashamed of those feelings not being normal or right, he loved to torment me with it.
Fast forward to 2005. Met and married second husband. My daughter left my house because of what my ex, her father had told her about my "past". I had no past, wanting or having feelings for a woman was my past. I never actually went through with it. I was plagued by my secret coming out. And her father used it against me in getting my children to hate me and want to move in with him. With her, it worked, based on fantasy....now present day. All of my kids know, even the 7 year old, and I am happy to say, she loves Susan and the boy,while not happy, he has made no mention of leaving my house for now so we'll just go day by day and see what happens.
My marriage to the second husband had been over for over a year now we just hadn't had the nerve to say anything to each other, we just did separate things, and enjoyed our separate lives together. There were so many things wrong and we slid into a state where I couldn't handle it anymore.
I had misgivings about my church for awhile for a lot of different reasons. Gay Rights have become forefront in light of Obama's election the past year and I had many visions and dreams about finally coming out. My husband was and still is a devout republican and I could not stand to listen to some of the stuff he was saying about my secret changing political views.
Long story short. I am gay and Susan is my girlfriend and I could not be happier with her in my life. She is everything I need. We came together in September because of a common fondness for the soap opera Guiding Light and their storyline of two heterosexual woman forming a friendship and then realizing that they had fallen in love with each other. It is based on their struggles with their own feelings,feelings for each other, and how they manage day to day life with their friends and family. Sadly, Guiding Light was cancelled and the storyline never was able to run it's full course..so sad. Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia played the roles superbly and are now most loved by a group of beautiful people I hang around with online.
My trip to Las Vegas was for me and 4 of my online friends to attend a fan gathering to meet 12 of the actors from Guiding Light and I had the pleasure of talking to Crystal about my own emergence into the gay world and how difficult it has been for me. I publicly declared in front of over 400 people and the Guiding Light cast how happy I was for the storyline and how much it changed my life. Most thrilling moment of my life!! It is so nice to not have this secret festering in my heart and head anymore. I have since come out on my facebook account and made a public declaration of love to Susan. All my friends and family have been loving and supportive, even if there are few out there who are struggling with my decision to come out so publicly. I am not immune to judgement but so far, it's been minimal. Love me for me, I'm just more honest now than before....no more secrets to hold back...
SO.....Merry Christmas to all. I sincerely hope that you are as happy as I am right now as we are about to enter another year with new avenues to pursue. Next year, I hope to be in a more stable place in life and love.