Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bye 2009, Hello 2010!!!

Have you ever looked or seen someone you haven't seen in a while and after talking to them and catching up, walk away saying,"Wow, they have really changed..."

I want people who see me in 2010 to say just that. Words like happier, confident, stable, livelier, more outgoing, always smiling...bubblier..come to mind.

2009 was a year of living, exploring, experimenting, realizing the ultimate truth behind so many facets of my life. I changed the way I live, love, and feel others love me. Acceptance and love are the only way to live this world we are a part of. Peace, harmony, and love. That's it. Friendly competition does not have to be an all out brawl to the death.

I will live 2010 and the years following differently. more accepting of people's strengths and weaknesses. We are all human and make mistakes. Not one of us will cease to make mistakes. We will learn from them and grow.

That is all any of us can hope for...a happy life where we can be accepted and loved. I learned this year that I have to accept myself first before anybody else can. Truth is the opening of hearts, minds and friendship to all races, creeds, nationalities, sexual orientation, disabled, etc...We are not here to judge one another for there is only One who can and will judge us fairly. We are here to grow and learn and make the world a better place than when we first got here.

Peace for us all in 2010! Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

YAY! Now I can move on...really.....!

Get on with life and put that part of me to the side, where it belongs.

I am still me, the me who people love and understand is a bit goofy, but lovable. A friend who would rather give til her heart bleeds than let you be disappointed in her. A friend who would put everything on hold to make you happy. That's me...

Well today I am finishing up a present for a very special person. I have found a project that I enjoy doing, that puts that personal touch in, where a group of people connect and can relive past events. It puts a smile on their face, and I grin at the love it represents...and shows.

Christmas is tomorrow and the kids are coming back from their father's for a few days and then are off to Iowa to see grandparents. It's a short time to see them (5 days)and I miss them dearly but I have really loved being here with Susan so we can bond and act all newlywed like. It's been so nice and we will be spending time with the kids during the next few days.

January is gonna be a trial on so many levels. New year, new life, looking for a decent job to help pay bills, seeing what bills I can lower or eliminate completely until the dust settles from the change. How is my new tax situation gonna help with bills for February? Hmm..maybe all the worry will help me lose the 5 lbs. that I gained during all this bonding happiness. So much food and I am eating it all!

Well, I am sure you will hear from me again on the weekend, after all the presents have been opened and smiles, jeers have been received.

Merry Christmas! Love to you and your families!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Better get this off before you guys think I have totally fallen off the cliff.

Things have been so busy around here and my brain is so wrapped up in the current chaos that is my life that half the time, I can't think at all. Does that make sense? Jeesh..I have no idea anymore.

The holidays are upon us and I am currently on vacation from work. Go back on January 4th. Spending lots of time with Susan getting Christmas done for our families......umm...oh yeah...I have not talked about Susan, have I? Hmmm..Lets go back about 25 years...

When I was 13 or 14...I thought I was gay and tried to kill myself..I had always had feelings for women, teachers, friends moms, etc. since I was 7 years old. I tried to come out to my sister and my parents and after my suicide attempt, they thought it best that I was put into a psych hospital for 2 months. Hmm.. I never mentioned my attractions to women after that. I proceeded to join the Mormon church and marry a man who used it against me after we divorced, 13 years later. Mind you, I never had a relationship with a woman, just desired one. He used that fantasy and made my life hell. Even worse after the divorce because he told my kids with a twist here and there to make me a evil person. Always desiring and never having the guts or being ashamed of those feelings not being normal or right, he loved to torment me with it.

Fast forward to 2005. Met and married second husband. My daughter left my house because of what my ex, her father had told her about my "past". I had no past, wanting or having feelings for a woman was my past. I never actually went through with it. I was plagued by my secret coming out. And her father used it against me in getting my children to hate me and want to move in with him. With her, it worked, based on present day. All of my kids know, even the 7 year old, and I am happy to say, she loves Susan and the boy,while not happy, he has made no mention of leaving my house for now so we'll just go day by day and see what happens.

My marriage to the second husband had been over for over a year now we just hadn't had the nerve to say anything to each other, we just did separate things, and enjoyed our separate lives together. There were so many things wrong and we slid into a state where I couldn't handle it anymore.

I had misgivings about my church for awhile for a lot of different reasons. Gay Rights have become forefront in light of Obama's election the past year and I had many visions and dreams about finally coming out. My husband was and still is a devout republican and I could not stand to listen to some of the stuff he was saying about my secret changing political views.

Long story short. I am gay and Susan is my girlfriend and I could not be happier with her in my life. She is everything I need. We came together in September because of a common fondness for the soap opera Guiding Light and their storyline of two heterosexual woman forming a friendship and then realizing that they had fallen in love with each other. It is based on their struggles with their own feelings,feelings for each other, and how they manage day to day life with their friends and family. Sadly, Guiding Light was cancelled and the storyline never was able to run it's full sad. Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia played the roles superbly and are now most loved by a group of beautiful people I hang around with online.

My trip to Las Vegas was for me and 4 of my online friends to attend a fan gathering to meet 12 of the actors from Guiding Light and I had the pleasure of talking to Crystal about my own emergence into the gay world and how difficult it has been for me. I publicly declared in front of over 400 people and the Guiding Light cast how happy I was for the storyline and how much it changed my life. Most thrilling moment of my life!! It is so nice to not have this secret festering in my heart and head anymore. I have since come out on my facebook account and made a public declaration of love to Susan. All my friends and family have been loving and supportive, even if there are few out there who are struggling with my decision to come out so publicly. I am not immune to judgement but so far, it's been minimal. Love me for me, I'm just more honest now than more secrets to hold back...

SO.....Merry Christmas to all. I sincerely hope that you are as happy as I am right now as we are about to enter another year with new avenues to pursue. Next year, I hope to be in a more stable place in life and love.

Til later!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Back from Vegas!

It's been a day since I have been back and I am organizing the pictures from the trip. I am trying to keep pictures of my friends stuff seperate from mine but I don't know if I can do that successfully. We had so many and frankly, my firends camera was a lot better then mine so we'll see how they look after I put them in the editor.

I will be back with pictures but it could be the weekend before I can get them up. If anyone cares....LOL!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Happy December!!

Work is good, house is looking well after ex came and got his stuff. Tree is up, and life is going well, if I just had more time to spend with the people I love. That's what I miss most. Movie nights are few and far between, haven't even seen New Moon yet and I want to see the movie with Sandra Bullock...Maybe over Christmas break. Have two weeks off...

Many Happy Days Ahead!!